She Wouldn't Be Gone
by Beckett Towns
Summary: If I'd have loved her this much all along, maybe, maybe, yeah maybe, she wouldn't be gone.
1. She Wouldn't Be Gone

_**Castle belongs to Andrew Marlowe, and "She Wouldn't Be Gone" belongs to Blake Shelton**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Red roadside wild flower,<br>If I had only picked you,  
>Took you home, set you on the counter,<br>Oh at least a time or two,  
>Maybe she'd have thought it through.<br>Yellow sunset slowly dippin' down in the rearview,  
>Oh, how she loved to sit and watch you,<br>I could have done that a whole lot more.**_

Rick got home from the store and noticed that Kate's purse wasn't on the chair where it was before he left. He put his coat in the closet and noticed that her coat wasn't there either. That worried him. They'd had a fight, and he had gone to the store to cool down and get away for a while. He went to the bedroom and saw that her suitcase was gone. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and hit the speed dial for her. She couldn't actually be gone. It was just a stupid fight. She didn't answer. It didn't even ring, it went straight to voicemail. She had turned her phone off. This was bad. She _never_ turned her phone off.

He rushed out the door, not even bothering to grab his coat. He yelled her name, even though he was almost positive she wouldn't hear. He didn't know where he was going, but he needed to find her. And he wouldn't stop until he did.

_**If I hadn't been so stubborn,  
>Been so selfish,<br>Thought about her more,  
>Thought about me less.<br>Joked to make her laugh,  
>Held her when she cried,<br>A little more of that,  
>Maybe I wouldn't be<br>Drivin' like hell,  
>Flyin' like crazy down the highway,<br>Callin' everyone we know,  
>Stoppin' any place she might be,<br>Goin' any place she might go.  
>Beatin' on the dash,<br>Screamin' out her name at the windshield,  
>Tears soakin' up my face.<br>If I'd have loved her this much all along,  
>Maybe, maybe, yeah maybe,<br>She wouldn't be gone.  
>She wouldn't be gone.<strong>_

He drove to the precinct without even thinking about it. He went in, thinking that it was too obvious a place for her to go, but maybe he could get something out of Lanie or the boys. He must've called her 20 times on the way over, but her phone was still off. He wiped his eyes when he got on the elevator, and when the doors opened again on the second floor he saw Esposito in the break room. He barely made it through the door before he was pinned against the wall with Esposito's face inches from his.

"Listen, bro." Esposito growled, "I don't know what you did to her, but that was the most upset I've seen her in a long time. Now, I like you, I don't want to have to beat your ass, but I will if I have to."

"No, Espo, I just want to find her. I was an idiot, I know that. I wouldn't blame you for kicking my ass. I deserve it." Rick replied. Esposito let him go, and he adjusted his shirt. "Can you just tell me where she went?"

Esposito shook his head. "No. She told me not to. She said you would come looking for her, and that she needed to think. Alone. She was really upset" Rick nodded. He had figured that much. She trusted Esposito, and he would never do anything to betray her trust. He went back to the elevators, and decided that talking to Lanie might help.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"Boy, I don't want to talk to you when I'm so close to so many sharp objects." Lanie said as soon as he walked in the door. He stopped just inside the morgue.

"Please, Lanie. I need to talk to her. I need to tell her how much I love her. I need to tell her how much of an idiot I was." Rick begged

"Damn right, you were an idiot. You made my girl cry. I ought to smack you." She stood from her chair, and he took an automatic step back.

"Lanie, please tell me where she is."

"Why should I? She told me not to."

"Because, Lanie. I need to tell her how much she means to me, and how much I need her." Rick's eyes started to water. "I can't lose her, Lanie. I'd do anything humanly possible to take care of her, or die trying." He took a deep breath, trying to stop the tears that were now flowing down his cheeks. "No matter how much she tells me that she can take care of herself."

Lanie's eyes started to water too, and she crossed the room and put her hand on his arm. "Go, Writer Boy. She went to her dad's. Go tell her what you just told me, and maybe she'll see how much you love her."

Rick gave her a hug, and ran out the door. He drove down the highway faster than he should have. He watched as the speedometer reached its limit. "Dammit, Kate!" He yelled at his windshield, wishing he had never upset her

_**Now I'm cursin' like a fool,  
>Prayin' it ain't too late,<br>All I wanna do is fix my mistakes.  
>Find her, beg her, for one more try,<br>Until then dammit I'll be  
>Drivin' like hell,<br>Flyin' like crazy down the highway,  
>Callin' everyone we know,<br>Stoppin' any place she might be,  
>Goin' any place she might go.<br>Beatin' on the dash,  
>Screamin' out her name at the windshield,<br>Tears soakin' up my face.  
>If I'd have loved her this much all along,<br>Maybe, maybe, yeah maybe,  
>She wouldn't be gone.<strong>_

_****_He pulled into the driveway at her dads, and ran to the door. He continued to ring the doorbell until Kate answered it. Her face was tearstained and her eyes were red and puffy, but they were dry now.

"Can I come in?" He asked, and Kate moved to block him.

"I told them not to let you follow me." Her voice was low and cold. Rick's heart sank.

"I came to tell you that I love you. I came to say that I'd do whatever it takes to keep you, and I'd do anything to take care of you or die trying." He put his hand up to stroke her face, but she flinched away.

"I don't need you to take care of me, Castle." Her using his last name told him he'd really pissed her off.

"Please, Kate. I can't lose you. I need you. I don't know how to live without you." He pleaded, but the cold look in her eyes didn't soften.

"You managed before you met me."

"Yeah, and my life was empty. I don't want to go back to that, especially now that I don't even have Alexis at the loft."

"I'm sorry, Castle. But it's over."

She shut the door in his face.

_**I wouldn't be beatin' on the dash,  
>Screamin' out her name at the windshield,<br>Tears soakin' up my face.  
>If I'd have loved her this much all along,<br>Maybe, maybe, yeah maybe,  
>She wouldn't be gone.<strong>_

Rick got back in his car and smacked his steering wheel. He was mad at himself for upsetting her so badly, and for losing her. He pulled out of the drive and headed for his apartment. One thing he knew: he would never forgive himself for this.


	2. You Don't Know Her Like I Do

"_**You Don't Know Her Like I Do" belongs to Brantley Gilbert**_

* * *

><p>Rick's phone began to ring, and he sighed when he saw that it was Ryan. He hadn't talked to anyone at the precinct in over a month, but he knew what this was about. He cleared his throat, put down his bottle of whiskey, and then answered the call. "Castle."<p>

_**Hey ole Friend, thanks for callin'**_

_**It's good to know somebody cares**_

_**Yeah she's gone, but I don't feel like talkin'**_

_**It might be just too much to bear**_

_**To hear somebody say it stops hurting**_

_**Or to hear somebody say she ain't worth it**_

"Hey, man." Ryan said, "We haven't heard from you in a while, we were starting to get worried."

"We? Who's we?" Rick slurred

"Esposito and I. Hey, are you drunk? It's 10 A.M." Ryan sounded worried

"Maybe a little." Rick answered, glancing at the bottles that were scattered around the loft. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cleaned up.

"It's going to be okay, Rick. This isn't worth killing yourself over. It'll stop hurting, but you need to move on. Forget about her. Don't spend all day sitting in your apartment thinking about it, you need to get out. You need to do something."

"I don't want to do anything." Rick told him honestly

"It'll make you feel better."

"You don't understand, Ryan. I don't want to do anything. I _can't_ do anything. Not without her."

_**You don't know her like I do**_

_**You'll never understand**_

_**You don't know what we've been through**_

_**That girl's my best friend**_

_**And there's no way you're gonna help me**_

_**She's the only one who can**_

_**No, you don't know how much I've got to lose**_

_**You don't know her like I do**_

"Forget about her, Castle. She's not coming back. I can tell she's upset. You know her, she doesn't talk about it, but I can tell. But I also know that she's told Lanie that she isn't coming back. You need to move on. Find someone else. Get on with your life. It'll get better, I promise."

Rick hung up the phone. He knew Ryan probably had more to say, but he didn't want to hear it. It was too painful to hear that everything would be okay. He didn't want it to be okay without her. He just wanted her back. No matter what he did, he always found himself wishing that she was there with him.

He grabbed the bottle again and took another sip. He couldn't remember the last time he'd drank something besides alcohol. He glanced at the door, and then headed to get his coat.

_**I can't forget, I'm drowning in these memories**_

_**It fills my soul with all the little things**_

_**And I can't cope, it's like a death inside the family**_

_**It's like she stole my way to breathe**_

_**Don't try to tell me it stops hurting **_

_**Don't try to tell me she ain't worth it**_

He stumbled off the elevator and walked as best he could to Kate's desk. He noticed "his" chair wasn't there anymore, so he sat in Kate's chair instead. She wasn't there, but he would wait. He was spinning in the chair when he heard her voice.

"Castle?" He stopped the chair abruptly. She was standing at the entrance to the bull pen, holding a coffee cup in one hand a file in the other. "What're you doing here?" She looked stunned.

"You look beautiful, Kate." He silently cursed his slurred speech.

"Are you drunk?"

"What? No, I'm not drunk." He slurred. She rolled her eyes as Ryan and Esposito walked in.

"Okay, come here." She walked over to him and grabbed his arm, dragging him into the break room and shutting the door.

"Listen." She said, turning to face him. "I don't know why you're here, and I don't think I want to know. But you need to leave."

Rick shook his head. "I just came here to say—"

"I don't _care_ what you came here to say." Kate interrupted, "You need to leave."

"But Kate—"

"No, Castle. I don't want to hear anything you have to say. Leave. Please."

_**You don't know her like I do**_

_**You'll never understand**_

_**You don't know what we've been through**_

_**That girl's my best friend**_

_**And there's no way you're gonna help me**_

_**She's the only one who can**_

_**No, you don't know how much I've got to lose**_

_**You don't know her like I do**_

Rick walked into the bull pen to find Ryan and Esposito staring at him. He awkwardly walked through half the room before Ryan spoke.

"I'm sorry, man."

Castle nodded but kept walking. Ryan being sorry didn't help him any.

"Hey." Ryan said, and Rick stopped and turned to face him. "If there's anything I can do to help…"

"No." Rick said quietly, "She's the only one who can help me." He glanced at the break room. "But she won't."


	3. Whiskey Lullaby

"_**Whiskey Lullaby" belongs to Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette<strong>_

_**She broke his heart, he spent his whole life tryin' to forget**_

_**We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time**_

_**But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind**_

_**Until the night…**_

Esposito tried to call Rick later that night, and he started to get worried when he didn't answer after the sixth call. "You don't think he could've done something stupid, do you?" He asked Ryan, who looked just as worried as he felt.

"I don't know. He was pretty drunk this morning. You don't think he might've had more than he could handle?"

"I think we need to go check on him." Ryan nodded and started to walk out of the break room, but Esposito grabbed his arm.

"Where are you going? Beckett can't know what we're doing." Esposito reminded his partner.

"I was going to tell her that we're taking a break." It was about 8 P.M. but ever since Rick and Kate had broken up, Kate had thrown herself into work and forced Ryan and Esposito to do the same. She wouldn't let them leave until at least 10 when they had a case.

"Okay, but don't blame me when she yells at you." Esposito told him, knowing that Kate didn't like when they took breaks and left the precinct in the middle of a case, and today she'd been in a worse mood since Rick had come. They walked into the bull pen and grabbed their coats.

"Where do you think you're going?" Kate snapped at them, and Esposito gave Ryan an 'I told you so' look.

"We've been here for hours, Beckett, we need some fresh air. We're going to take a break. We'll be back, I promise." Ryan said innocently, and Kate glared at them for a moment before nodding.

"Fine. Go. But you better come back." She warned them. Ryan and Esposito nodded and walked quickly to the elevator before Kate could change her mind and make them stay.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

After the third time Ryan tried knocking and nobody answered, Esposito kicked the door open. The two men went in, and stopped almost as soon as they got through the door. The apartment was littered with empty bottles of various alcohols. There were piles of beer bottles everywhere. Ryan took another step inside and noticed that a whiskey bottle had spilled by the couch. Looking closer, he realized that Rick was lying face-down on the couch, and the bottle must have fallen out of his hand.

"Oh, shit."

Esposito ran over and grabbed Rick's wrist, checking for a pulse. He looked at his partner and shook his head.

_**He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger**_

_**And finally drank away her memory**_

_**Life is short but this time it was bigger**_

_**Than the strength he had to get up off his knees**_

_**We found him with his face down in the pillow**_

_**With a note that said, "I'll love her till I die"**_

The next few hours were a blur. Paramedics came and pronounced Rick dead, Ryan and Esposito called Alexis and Martha, who both came immediately, and the boys debated how to tell Kate. They eventually decided that Ryan would stay at the apartment with Rick's daughter and mother, and Esposito would go back to the precinct to tell Kate.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Esposito took a deep breath before stepping off the elevator. He stopped in front of Kate's desk, and the look on his face must have told her not to say anything, because she was silent.

"Kate…" He started, not sure where to go from there, "Kate, we went to Castle's apartment." He saw a flash of anger in her eyes, but she remained silent. "He…Kate, he's gone. He had too much to drink, and he killed himself." A tear fell down her cheek, and he went around her desk to hug her. They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, with Esposito hugging her tight, and her crying silently on his shoulder. He could tell she was trying not to cry. Once she finally was able to stop, he said, "There's one more thing." He took an envelope out of his pocket. "They found this in his pocket. It has your name on it, so none of us read it." She took the envelope, but didn't open it. She didn't think she could handle opening it. Not now anyway.

_**And when we buried him beneath the willow**_

_**The angels sang a whiskey lullaby**_

_**La la la la la la la, la la la la la la laa**_

_**La la la la la la la, la la la la la la laa**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Yeah, this is only half the song. The other half will be in another chapter.<strong>_


End file.
